Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops Read online

  WEIRD

  THINGS

  CUSTOMERS

  SAY IN

  BOOKSHOPS

  WEIRD

  THINGS

  CUSTOMERS

  SAY IN

  BOOKSHOPS

  Jen Campbell

  Brought to you by KeVkRaY

  CONSTABLE

  Constable & Robinson Ltd

  55-56 Russell Square

  London WC1B 4HP

  www.constablerobinson.com

  This edition published by Constable, an imprint of Constable & Robinson Ltd 2012

  Copyright © Jen Campbell 2012

  Illustrations copyright © The Brothers McLeod 2012

  All rights reserved. This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, re-sold, hired out or otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

  A copy of the British Library Cataloguing in Publication Data is available from the British Library

  ISBN-13: 978-1-78033-483-7

  eISBN: 978-1-78033-514-8

  Printed and bound in the European Union

  1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2

  For bookshops and heroic booksellers everywhere

  with thanks to our loyal customers,

  without whom we wouldn’t be selling books

  &

  to all the people within these pages

  who’ve kept me on my toes,

  made me smile and scared

  the absolute hell out of me – thank you.

  CONTENTS

  Tales From the Edinburgh Bookshop

  Tales From Ripping Yarns

  Weird Things Customers Say in Other Bookshops

  The Edinburgh Bookshop

  The Edinburgh Bookshop [formerly The Children’s Bookshop], Bruntsfield Place, Edinburgh, is an independent bookshop owned by Vanessa and Malcolm Robertson, also owners of Fidra Books publishing company. Their bookshop dog is Teaga, a Leonberger, who somewhat resembles Nana from Peter Pan.

  www.edinburghbookshop.com.

  CUSTOMER: I read a book in the sixties. I don’t remember the author, or the title. But it was green, and it made me laugh. Do you know which one I mean?

  CUSTOMER: Hi, I’d like to return this book, please.

  BOOKSELLER: Certainly. Do you have the receipt?

  CUSTOMER: Here.

  BOOKSELLER: Erm, you bought this book at Waterstone’s.

  CUSTOMER: Yes.

  BOOKSELLER: . . . we’re not Waterstone’s.

  CUSTOMER: But you’re a bookshop.

  BOOKSELLER: Yes, but we’re not Waterstone’s.

  CUSTOMER: You’re all part of the same chain.

  BOOKSELLER: No, sorry, we’re an independent bookshop.

  CUSTOMER: . . .

  BOOKSELLER: Put it this way, you wouldn’t buy clothes in H&M and take them back to Zara, would you?

  CUSTOMER: Well, no, because they’re different shops.

  BOOKSELLER: Exactly.

  CUSTOMER: . . . I’d like to speak to your manager.

  CUSTOMER: My children are just climbing your bookshelves. That’s ok, isn’t it? They won’t topple over, will they?

  CUSTOMER: It makes me sad that grown up books don’t have pictures in them. You’re brought up with them when you’re younger, and then suddenly they’re all taken away.

  BOOKSELLER: . . . Yes. It’s a cruel world.

  CUSTOMER: Do you have any books by Jane Eyre?

  CUSTOMER: Hi, I just wanted to ask: did Anne Frank ever write a sequel?

  BOOKSELLER: ........

  CUSTOMER: I really enjoyed her first book.

  BOOKSELLER: Her diary?

  CUSTOMER: Yes, the diary.

  BOOKSELLER: Her diary wasn’t fictional.

  CUSTOMER: Really?

  BOOKSELLER: Yes... She really dies at the end – that’s why the diary finishes. She was taken to a concentration camp.

  CUSTOMER: Oh... that’s terrible.

  BOOKSELLER: Yes, it was awful -

  CUSTOMER: I mean, it’s such a shame, you know? She was such a good writer.

  CUSTOMER: Do you have any crime books involving speeding fines?

  CUSTOMER (to her friend): What’s this literary criticism section? Is it for books that complain about other books?

  CUSTOMER: Do you have a copy of Nineteen Eighty Six?

  BOOKSELLER: Nineteen Eighty Six?

  CUSTOMER: Yeah, Orwell.

  BOOKSELLER: Oh – Nineteen Eighty Four.

  CUSTOMER: No, I’m sure it’s Nineteen Eighty Six; I’ve always remembered it because it’s the year I was born.

  BOOKSELLER: . . .

  WOMAN: Hi, where are your copies of Breaking Dawn? I can’t see any on the shelf.

  BOOKSELLER: Sorry, I think we’ve sold out of the Twilight books; we’re waiting on more.

  WOMAN: What?

  BOOKSELLER: We should have some more in tomorrow.

  WOMAN: But I need a copy now. I finished the third one last night.

  BOOKSELLER: I’m sorry, I can’t help you.

  WOMAN: No, you don’t understand, I’ve taken the whole day off work to read it.

  BOOKSELLER: Erm . . .

  WOMAN: I NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS! NOW!

  BOOKSELLER: Erm . . .

  WOMAN: Can you call your wholesaler and see if they can deliver this afternoon?

  BOOKSELLER: They only—

  WOMAN: And then I can wait here for them.

  BOOKSELLER: I’m sorry, they only deliver in the morning.

  WOMAN: BUT WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO NOW?

  BOOKSELLER: . . . we have many other books.

  WOMAN (sniffs): Do any of those have Robert Pattinson in them?

  CUSTOMER: Do you have any books in this shade of green, to match the wrapping paper I’ve bought?

  CUSTOMER: These books are really stupid, aren’t they?

  BOOKSELLER: Which ones?

  CUSTOMER: You know, the ones where animals like cats and mice are best friends.

  BOOKSELLER: I suppose they’re not very realistic, but then that’s fiction.

  CUSTOMER: They’re more than unrealistic; they’re really stupid.

  BOOKSELLER: Well, writers use that kind of thing to teach kids about accepting people different to themselves, you know?

  CUSTOMER: Yeah, well, books shouldn’t pretend that different people get on like that and that everything is ‘la de da’ and wonderful, should they? Kids should learn that life’s a bitch, and the sooner the better.

  CUSTOMER: Do you have that book – I forget what it’s called; it’s about people with large, hairy feet.

  BOOKSELLER: Do you mean hobbits? The Lord of the Rings?

  CUSTOMER: No.... erm – The Hairy Bikers.

  CUSTOMER: My granddaughter’s looking for a book about Agnes’s knickers.. do you know what I mean?

  BOOKSELLER: Agnes’s knickers... Ah! Louise Rennison can be found over here.

  [Angus, Thongs and Full-Frontal Snogging]

  CUSTOMER: Do you have any pop-up books on sex education?

  CUSTOMER: You know how they say that if you gave a thousand monkeys typewriters, then they’d eventually churn out really good writing?

  BOOKSELLER: . . . yes.

  CUSTOMER: Well, do you have any books by those monkeys?

  BOOKSELLER: . . .

  CUSTOMER (holding up a copy of a Harry Potter book): This doesn’t have anything weird in it... does it?

  BOOKSELLER: You mean, like, werewolves?

  CUSTOMER: No (whispers) - gays.

  BO
OKSELLER: . . . right.

  CUSTOMER: I’m just going to nip to the supermarket to do the weekly shop. I’m going to leave my sons here, is that ok? They’re three and five. They’re no bother.

  CUSTOMER: Do you have a book with a list of careers? I want to give my daughter some inspiration.

  BOOKSELLER: Ah, is she applying to university?

  CUSTOMER: Oh no, not yet. She’s just over there. Sweetheart?

  (a four year old girl comes over)

  CUSTOMER: There you are. Now, you talk to the nice lady, and I’m going to find you a book on how to become a doctor or a scientist. What do you think about that?

  (The girl says nothing)

  CUSTOMER (to bookseller): Won’t be a sec.

  (Customer wanders off into non-fiction)

  BOOKSELLER: So, what’s your name?

  CHILD: Sarah.

  BOOKSELLER: Sarah? That’s a beautiful name.

  CHILD: Thank you.

  BOOKSELLER: So, Sarah, what do you want to be when you grow up?

  CHILD: . . . A bumblebee.

  BOOKSELLER: Excellent.

  CUSTOMER: I do find it odd that people manage to make a living out of writing books for children. I’m sure any mother could do it.

  BOOKSELLER: Why don’t you try it yourself?

  CUSTOMER: I always mean to, but I’m very busy right now with my pottery class.

  (Local author comes into bookshop, lifts his books from the bookshelf and starts rearranging them on the table in the middle of the room)

  BOOKSELLER: What are you doing?

  LOCAL AUTHOR: Well, they’re never going to sell when they’re sitting on a bookshelf, are they?

  CUSTOMER: I’m looking for a book for my son. He’s six.

  BOOKSELLER: How about this one – it’s about—

  CUSTOMER: Yeah, whatever, I’ll take it.

  CUSTOMER: You know that film, Coraline?

  BOOKSELLER: Yes, indeed.

  CUSTOMER: My daughter loves it. Are they going to make it into a book?

  Customer: If my daughter wants to buy books from the teenage section do you need to see some form of ID? It was her thirteenth birthday this weekend. I can show you pictures of the cake. You can count the candles.

  Customer: Are all of your books for sale, or just some of them?

  CUSTOMER: Do you have any medical textbooks?

  BOOKSELLER: Sorry, no. They go out of date so quickly we don’t stock them, but I can order one in for you.

  CUSTOMER: I’m not worried about it being in date.

  BOOKSELLER: Does your university not request you have a specific edition?

  CUSTOMER: Oh, I’m not a medical student, I just want to learn how to do stitches.

  BOOKSELLER: ...Right.

  CUSTOMER: Do you have a book on sewing, instead?

  (Customer comes into the shop with her five year old son)

  CUSTOMER: Come on, Alfie, take your shoes off.

  BOOKSELLER: It’s OK... you don’t have to take your shoes off to come into the bookshop.

  CUSTOMER: Please don’t encourage him. I’m trying to train him to remember to take his shoes off in the house because we’ve got new carpets. The more he does it, the more he’ll remember.

  CUSTOMER: Do you have a copy of Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason? I can’t see it on the shelf.

  BOOKSELLER: I’m afraid we don’t, but I can order it for you, and it’ll be here in the next forty eight hours. We could even post it to you if you’d like?

  CUSTOMER: I don’t trust the Royal Mail. Could you fax it instead?

  CUSTOMER: Do you have any books signed by Margaret Atwood?

  BOOKSELLER: We have many Margaret Atwood books, but I’m afraid we don’t have any signed by Margaret Atwood, no.

  CUSTOMER: I’m looking for a birthday present of my wife. I know she’d really love a signed copy. You couldn’t fake a signature could you?

  CUSTOMER: Which was the first Harry Potter book?

  BOOKSELLER: The Philosopher’s Stone.

  CUSTOMER: And the second?

  BOOKSELLER: The Chamber of Secrets.

  CUSTOMER: I’ll take The Chamber of Secrets. I don’t want The Philosopher’s Stone.

  BOOKSELLER: Have you already read that one?

  CUSTOMER: No, but with series of books I always find they take a while to really get going. I don’t want to waste my time with the useless introductory stuff at the beginning.

  BOOKSELLER: The story in Harry Potter actually starts right away. Personally, I do recommend that you start with the first book – and it’s very good.

  CUSTOMER: Are you working on commission?

  BOOKSELLER: No.

  CUSTOMER: Right. How many books are there in total?

  BOOKSELLER: Seven.

  CUSTOMER: Exactly. I’m not going to waste my money on the first book when there are so many others to buy. I’ll take the second one.

  BOOKSELLER: . . . If you’re sure.

  (One week later, the customer returns)

  BOOKSELLER: Hi, did you want to buy a copy of The Prisoner of Azkaban?

  CUSTOMER: What’s that?

  BOOKSELLER: It’s the book after The Chamber of Secrets.

  CUSTOMER: Oh, no, definitely not. I found that book far too confusing. I ask you, how on earth are children supposed to understand it if I can’t? I mean, who the heck is that Voldemort guy anyway? No. I’m not going to bother with the rest.

  BOOKSELLER: . . .

  CUSTOMER: Where are your fictional novels?

  CHILD: Mummy, can we buy this book?

  MOTHER: Put that down, Benjamin. We’ve got quite enough books at home!

  Phone rings.

  BOOKSELLER: Hello.

  CUSTOMER: Hi. I was wondering if you could help me. I’m looking for a book for my niece. She’s six and I’ve no idea what to buy her.

  BOOKSELLER: Sure. What kinds of things is she in to?

  CUSTOMER: I don’t really know. I don’t see her very often – my sister lives abroad.

  BOOKSELLER: OK, what’s her name?

  CUSTOMER: Sophie.

  BOOKSELLER: Ah, well, have you considered the Dick King Smith Sophie series? There’s even a book called Sophie’s Six.

  CUSTOMER: OK, sure, that sounds like a good idea.

  BOOKSELLER: Do you want me to double check that we have those in stock? I’m pretty sure we do.

  CUSTOMER: No, it’s OK. I’m just going to order them online.

  BOOKSELLER: But... we just gave you the recommendation.

  CUSTOMER: I know, and I appreciate it. It’s a pain that Amazon don’t have a physical person I can ask about this sort of thing. Still, I can always rely on you guys for advice.

  BOOKSELLER: . . .

  CUSTOMER: Do you keep the pornography in the photography section? –

  CUSTOMER: Did Charles Dickens ever write anything fun?

  (A child is playing with a book on the floor and rips it)

  CHILD’S MOTHER: Oh, Stephen (she tuts in a non-serious way). Do be careful. (She takes the book off the child and puts it back on the shelf)

  BOOKSELLER: Excuse me?

  CHILD’S MOTHER: Yes?

  BOOKSELLER: Your son just ripped the head off the tiger who came to tea.

  CHILD’S MOTHER: I know. Children, ey?

  BOOKSELLER: Yes, but we can’t sell that book now. It’s damaged.

  CHILD’S MOTHER: Well I don’t know what you expect me to do about it.

  CUSTOMER: I’m looking for a book for my eleven year old daughter. What would you recommend? I’d like something educational, too, not anything nonsensical.

  BOOKSELLER: Well, how about something like When Hitler Stole Pink Rabbit? She’ll be doing the second world war at school soon, and this is about Judith Kerr’s life. She had to travel across Europe when she was a little girl because her father was a German journalist outspoken against Hitler, and it’s about her settling in to schools in France and England, and learning new languages.

  CU
STOMER: I don’t really want her to learn about all that Hitler Nazi nonsense. It’s all so long ago, now, and completely irrelevant. It’s tedious.

  CUSTOMER: Is this book edible?

  BOOKSELLER: ... No.

  CUSTOMER: Do you run story time for children?

  BOOKSELLER: Yes, we do. It’s on a Tuesday, for toddlers.

  CUSTOMER: Great, the crèche up the road is so expensive, and I’ve been dying to have a few hours to go shopping, and maybe get my nails done.

  BOOKSELLER: I’m sorry, but I’m afraid you have to supervise your child at story time.

  CUSTOMER: Why?

  BOOKSELLER: . . . because we’re not a crèche.

  CUSTOMER (shouting from the doorway): Do you have any jobs going at the moment? I’d come in and talk properly, but I’m really busy.

  CUSTOMER: Doesn’t it bother you, being surrounded by books all day? I think I’d be paranoid they were all going to jump off the shelves and kill me.

  BOOKSELLER: . . .

  BOOKSELLER: Can I help at all?

  CUSTOMER: Yes, where’s your fiction section?