Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops Read online

  CUSTOMER: No, I meant that I thought the book was about real people’s pets, who have actual Tourette’s.

  BOOKSELLER: Like talking animals?

  CUSTOMER (seriously): Yes. That would have been better.

  Sarah Chapman: Well Read Bookshop, Newcastle, UK.

  CUSTOMER: I need to buy a present for my grandson. Apparently I need book number four.

  BOOKSELLER: Book number four? Of which series?

  CUSTOMER: Number four. That’s all I know. Can you just show me where that would be?

  BOOKSELLER: Well, there are lots of children’s series with four books or more . . .

  CUSTOMER: Can you just show me where I might find it?

  (The bookseller takes the customer to the children’s section)

  BOOKSELLER: As you can see, there are lots of series . . .

  CUSTOMER: Yes, but the book I want has number four written on it. Look, this one has number four. (Points to fourth book of ‘Series of Unfortunate Events’)

  BOOKSELLER: . . .

  CUSTOMER: I’ll take this one.

  BOOKSELLER: Okay, but . . . never mind.

  Georgi Paech: Dillons Norwood Bookshop, Adelaide, Australia.

  CUSTOMER: Do you sell bath plugs?

  Simon Curtis: Quagga Rare Books, Stellenbosch, South Africa.

  CUSTOMER: I’ve got an aubergine and I don’t know what to do with it.

  BOOKSELLER: Oh, well, what did you buy that for?

  CUSTOMER: I didn’t – someone gave it to me and I just saw you’ve got cups and saucers in the window – do you know about cooking?

  BOOKSELLER: . . . Our window display is the Mad Hatter’s tea party from Alice in Wonderland.

  Katie Clapham: Storytellers, Inc., St. Annes-on-Sea, Lancashire, UK.

  CUSTOMER: Can I borrow your stapler?

  BOOKSELLER: Sure. (Puts the stapler on the counter and returns to pricing books)

  Customer immediately walks out of the shop with the stapler.Bookseller walks to the door to see if customer is stapling something just outside.

  Customer is walking off down the street.

  BOOKSELLER (chases after the customer): Umm, can I have my stapler back?

  CUSTOMER: Oh, I thought it was mine. The stapler I’d lost.

  BOOKSELLER: Hmm . . . (grabs stapler and returns to shop)

  Katherine FitzHywel: The Grumpy Swimmer Bookshop,

  Melbourne, Australia.

  CUSTOMER: Oh, look, these books are all signed. (Pause) I wonder who signed them?

  CUSTOMER (pointing back and forth from the bookseller to a full-size cut out of Legolas): Is that you?

  BOOKSELLER: No. That’s Orlando Bloom.

  PARENT (to a child who is misbehaving): THERE SHOULD BE NO YELLING UNLESS SOMEONE IS ON FIRE!

  CHILD (firing back immediately): What if a weasel was robbing the store?

  PARENT (long pause, . . with the flickering of a smile): I don’t know . . . is he armed?

  Richard Due & Elizabeth Prouty: Second Looks Books,

  Prince Frederick, Maryland, USA

  CUSTOMER (offering plain brown paper bag to the bookseller with a friendly look in his eyes): Would you like a magic mushroom?

  BOOKSELLER: . . .

  Chris Howard: Hay Cinema Bookshop, Hay-On-Wye, Powys, UK.

  (phone rings)

  BOOKSELLER: Hello, Waterstone’s, how can I help?

  CUSTOMER: Hello? Yes I’m trying to cook this chicken.

  BOOKSELLER: OK . . . what seems to be the issue?

  CUSTOMER: Well, it says to cook it for two hours but I don’t know if that’s for if it’s fresh or for if it’s frozen.

  BOOKSELLER: Interesting. Well I’m not sure I’m best qualified to answer that query.

  CUSTOMER: Is there someone there who can?’

  Will Goldstone: Waterstone’s, Bournemouth, UK

  CUSTOMER: Is this a call centre?

  Bruno Batista: Chapters Bookstore, Dublin, Ireland.

  CUSTOMER: I want to buy a book for my mother. She likes Danielle Steel.

  BOOKSELLER: Here she is, under ‘S’ for Steel.

  CUSTOMER: . . . Well, I don’t know which ones she’s already read . . . Do you?

  BOOKSELLER: . . .

  Eve Taggart: Half-Price Books, Atlanta, Georgia, USA.

  CUSTOMER (holding up the carrier bag the bookseller has just given him): Can I use this for watering my plants?

  Lena Goermann: Thalia Bookshop, Hamburg, Germany.

  CUSTOMER: Do you have this children’s book I’ve heard about? It’s supposed to be very good. It’s called ‘Lionel Richie and the Wardrobe.’

  Sean Martin: Primrose Hill Books, London, UK.

  CUSTOMER: Do you sell ice cubes?

  BOOKSELLER: No.

  CUSTOMER: Could I not even have three?

  BOOKSELLER: No.

  CUSTOMER: Two then? Just to chill some wine...

  BOOKSELLER: We don’t sell ice cubes.

  CUSTOMER: What, none at all?

  BOOKSELLER: No.

  CUSTOMER: Oh.

  BOOKSELLER (sarcastically): Why not try the bookshop up the road, though?

  CUSTOMER: Oh, OK then, I’ll do that.

  BOOKSELLER: . . .?

  CUSTOMER (having read the blurb to Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief aloud to his son): Excuse me, is this book based on a true story?

  BOOKSELLER: It’s about an American teenager discovering he’s the son of Poseidon by accidentally vaporising his maths teacher.

  CUSTOMER: Yes.

  BOOKSELLER: So, no.

  CUSTOMER: Excuse me, I think you need to do something about your floor.

  BOOKSELLER: Oh really? What seems to be the problem?

  CUSTOMER: It’s too high.

  BOOKSELLER: I’m very sorry, no one’s ever complained about that before.

  (Five minutes later)

  CUSTOMER: Me again. On closer inspection, I think the floor is fine.

  BOOKSELLER: Great. Thanks for letting me know.

  CUSTOMER: But your shelves are too low.

  CUSTOMER: Can you point me to your military history section, please?

  BOOKSELLER: I’m afraid we’re such a small shop that we don’t actually have one.

  CUSTOMER: WHAT? No war section AT ALL? Have you no respect for the fallen?

  BOOKSELLER: I can order in any title you’re after. Or you’ll find a decent selection of war poetry and novels inspired by war.

  CUSTOMER (ignoring this): You mean to tell me you have no shelf on weaponry?

  BOOKSELLER: I’m afraid not.

  CUSTOMER: Are you a pacifist or something?

  CUSTOMER: Can I have a copy of Black Beauty, please?

  BOOKSELLER: Of course. You’ll find a variety of different editions in the children’s section.

  CUSTOMER (returning with three in her hand): I’ll have this one (hands over a hardback version). I wonder who wrote the other two . . .

  Sarah Henshaw: The Book Barge, Barton Marina, Staffordshire,UK.

  ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS:

  Oodles of thanks to my wonderful agent, Charlie Campbell, who used to be a bookseller in Paris. He once served a customer who spat cheese soufflé all over him. He still doesn’t know why they did that.

  Many thanks to my lovely editor, Hugh Barker, who used to work at Ripping Yarns.

  Big love to Greg for the wonderful illustrations, especially for the crucified bunny rabbit.

  Many thanks to Jamie and Morag and the rest of the lovely people of Constable and Robinson and Ed Victor Ltd.

  Thanks and love to Vanessa, Malcolm, Becky, Polly [and Magnus], and to Celia, Sasha, Sherry, Marie, Gloria, Lucinda and Zoe.

  Thank you to the booksellers who submitted their own ‘Weird Things.’ It was heart-warming [and hilarious] to confirm that customers are saying strange things in bookshops worldwide.

  Many thanks to Neil Gaiman and all the wonderful people of Twitter who enjoyed, and spread the word about, ‘Weird Things.’


  Thanks to everyone at H.tv. [Thank you Jo and Lotty.]

  Thanks and love to my wonderful friends and family. [Thank you Dan and Nick.]

  Thank you Miles. x

  BOOKSELLER: Can I help you at all?

  CUSTOMER: No, I don’t think you’re qualified. I need a psychiatrist; that’s the only help I need.

  BOOKSELLER: . . . OK.

  Rachele Willey: Waterstone’s, East Grinstead, UK

  Table of Contents

  Tales From the Edinburgh Bookshop

  Tales From Ripping Yarns

  Weird Things Customers Say in Other Bookshops