Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops Read online

  CUSTOMER: I think it was called 360 fairy tales.

  BOOKSELLER (searches on British Library catalogue): Nothing under that name, sorry.

  CUSTOMER: I might have got the number wrong. Could you just type in ‘fairy tales’ and see what comes up?

  BOOKSELLER: . . . That could take a while.

  CUSTOMER: My dear, there’s a long queue in the post office, and I only want a first class stamp. Do you have one I could buy from you?

  BOOKSELLER: No, I’m sorry, I don’t.

  CUSTOMER: Well then, perhaps you could go and stand in the queue for me? You’re a lot younger than myself; your legs can handle it.

  BOOKSELLER: I’m afraid not - I’m running this bookshop by myself.

  CUSTOMER: I’ll keep an eye on it for you.

  BOOKSELLER: No, I’m sorry, I’m afraid I can’t do that; I’d get in a lot of trouble.

  CUSTOMER: Well. You’ve been extremely unhelpful (she storms out).

  CUSTOMER (peering over): Do you have brown eyes?

  BOOKSELLER: Yes, I do.

  CUSTOMER: My mother told me never to trust anyone with brown eyes.

  BOOKSELLER: . . . You have brown eyes.

  CUSTOMER: . . .

  CUSTOMER: If I came to work here, would I get a discount at the off licence next door?

  CUSTOMER: Hi there.

  BOOKSELLER: Hi, can I help?

  CUSTOMER: Yes, I was just admiring your shop sign outside.

  BOOKSELLER: Thank you.

  CUSTOMER: It’s really lovely . . .

  BOOKSELLER: . . . Yes.

  CUSTOMER: . . . is it for sale?

  MAN: Hi, I was wondering if I could ask you about a book I’m writing.

  BOOKSELLER: Sure.

  MAN: Well, it’s here. (He produces the ‘book’ - a series of things stuck into an A4 lined pad of paper)

  BOOKSELLER: Right, what’s the premise?

  MAN: It’s a children’s book. See, I’ve been taking pictures of stuff and my mate has been writing poems to go alongside it.

  BOOKSELLER: OK. Are you a professional photographer?

  MAN: No, I’ve just been taking photos of things on my mobile. They’re pretty good though, yeah?

  BOOKSELLER: Erm, well they’re a little blurry.

  MAN: Oh, that just makes them unique.

  CUSTOMER: And your friend, has he had poems published elsewhere?

  MAN: Nope, he doesn’t believe in that kind of stuff.

  BOOKSELLER: . . . OK . . . so what’s your next step?

  MAN: To get it published.

  BOOKSELLER: What’s your plan of action?

  MAN: Just send it off to publishers.

  BOOKSELLER: Which one?

  MAN: Any old one. All of them. It ain’t hard, is it?

  BOOKSELLER: With all due respect, it is very hard.

  MAN: Well our mates think it’s a fantastic idea. And I don’t think it can be hard - there are books everywhere these days – just look at this shop!

  BOOKSELLER: Well, yes, but we are a bookshop.

  CUSTOMER: Do you have any books on star signs?

  BOOKSELLER: Yes, our esoteric section is over here.

  CUSTOMER: Good, thanks. It’s just I really need to check mine – I have this overwhelming feeling that something bad is going to happen.

  CUSTOMER: I have The Pickwick Papers, first edition. How much will you buy it for?

  BOOKSELLER (examines book): Sorry, but this was was printed in 1910.

  CUSTOMER: Yes.

  BOOKSELLER: The Pickwick Papers was first printed in 1837; this isn’t a first edition.

  CUSTOMER: No, it was definitely first printed in 1910.

  BOOKSELLER: Dickens was dead in 1910.

  CUSTOMER: I don’t think so. You’re trying to con me.

  BOOKSELLER: I promise you, I’m not.

  CUSTOMER: (glares for a while, then picks the book back up quickly) I’m taking them to Sotheby’s! (storms out)

  CUSTOMER: Hi, do you have that sperm cookbook?

  BOOKSELLER: No, we don’t.

  CUSTOMER: That’s a shame; I really wanted to try it. Have you tried it?

  BOOKSELLER: I have not.

  CUSTOMER: Do you have a copy of Jane Eyre?

  BOOKSELLER: Actually, I just sold that this morning, sorry!

  CUSTOMER: Oh. Have you read it?

  BOOKSELLER: Yes, it’s one of my favourite books.

  CUSTOMER: Oh, great (sits down beside bookseller). Could you tell me all about it? I have to write an essay on it by tomorrow.

  CUSTOMER: Do you have a section on religion?

  BOOKSELLER: Sure, it’s just over here.

  CUSTOMER: You’ve got Richard Dawkins’s books on here next to copies of the Bible.

  BOOKSELLER: That section is for all kinds of books relating to religion.

  CUSTOMER: I hope you know that’s a sin. And you will go to hell.

  ELDERLY GENTLEMAN: Hello, do you have any books on sex?

  BOOKSELLER: I think we have a couple, yes.

  ELDERLY GENTLEMAN: Excellent. I’ve had a hip replacement, and I wasn’t sure how long I had to wait, you see.

  BOOKSELLER: . . . Right.

  ELDERLY GENTLEMAN: I bet you could look it up on that computer there, though couldn’t you?

  BOOKSELLER: . . . I suppose I could, if I needed to.

  ELDERLY GENTLEMAN: Excellent thing, the internet.

  CUSTOMER: You have maps?

  BOOKSELLER: Yes, we do. Road maps?

  CUSTOMER: Yes.

  BOOKSELLER: We have old ones - Ordnance Survey maps, and road maps, over here.

  CUSTOMER: I need a map to Dover.

  BOOKSELLER (has a look): I’m not sure we have a specific south-east map. We have a road map of the UK, though, which has a map of the south-east in it.

  CUSTOMER: No. I walk.

  BOOKSELLER: You’re walking?

  CUSTOMER: Yes.

  BOOKSELLER: To Dover?

  CUSTOMER: Yes.

  BOOKSELLER: That’s very very far.

  CUSTOMER: It’s five miles, yes?

  BOOKSELLER: No. It’s about eighty miles.

  CUSTOMER: You point me in the right direction?

  BOOKSELLER: I don’t know which way it is from here.

  CUSTOMER: OK. I follow the smell of the sea.

  CUSTOMER: Do you have a copy of Mrs. Dalloway, but, like, really old – so from, like, 1850?

  BOOKSELLER: . . .

  Dear Sirs,

  I am writing to see if you have any positions available at your bookshop. I really love your shop, and the personalised service I get from you when I’ve been in previously. Your shop is one dear to my heart.

  I have attached my CV.

  Best.

  (Someone who CC’d this email to every bookshop in North London).

  (Man enters bookshop smoking a cigarette)

  BOOKSELLER: Excuse me?

  MAN: Yes?

  BOOKSELLER: Could you put that cigarette out, please?

  MAN: Why?

  BOOKSELLER: Because it’s illegal to smoke in a public place.

  MAN: This isn’t a public place; there’s only you and me here.

  BOOKSELLER: Yes, well, it’s still a public place. And, apart from anything else, this shop is rather flammable.

  MAN: Why?

  BOOKSELLER: . . . because it’s filled with paper.

  MAN: Is it?

  CUSTOMER: Do you have a nature section? I’m looking for a nature guide, you know, for places to go.

  BOOKSELLER: Sure, our nature section is just down here.

  CUSTOMER: No, sorry, not nature – naturist.

  BOOKSELLER: Oh!

  CUSTOMER: Did I leave my bicycle in here?

  CUSTOMER (to their friend): God, the Famous Five titles really were crap, weren’t they? Five Go Camping. Five Go Off in a Caravan.... If it was Five Go Down To a Crack House it might be a bit more exciting.

  MAN: Hi, could you recommend a book for me?


  BOOKSELLER: Sure. What kind of thing are you looking for?

  MAN: Well, I was let out of prison this morning, so something not too heavy would be nice.

  CUSTOMER: (on noticing Nicola Morgan’s ‘Write to be Published’ advertisement in front of the desk): A book on how to get published?

  BOOKSELLER: Yes. Nicola’s fabulous.

  CUSTOMER: Is it about self-publishing?

  BOOKSELLER: Nicola focuses mainly on mainstream publishing.

  CUSTOMER: Oh, I’ve written that kind of book myself.

  BOOKSELLER: Have you?

  CUSTOMER: Yeah. I self-publish my own novels, and I self-published this book on getting published the traditional way. I don’t have experience of it, but I thought I’d give it a go. It hasn’t sold as well as I thought it would.

  CUSTOMER: Oh wow, this shop is lovely!

  BOOKSELLER: Thank you.

  CUSTOMER: I was in a bakery just like it the other day.

  BOOKSELLER: . . .

  CUSTOMER: Do you bother to arrange your books at all, or are they just plonked places?

  BOOKSELLER: They’re in alphabetical order...

  CUSTOMER: Oh.

  (Phone rings)

  BOOKSELLER: Hello?

  PERSON: Hi there, can I speak to the manager of the property?

  BOOKSELLER: Speaking. How can I help?

  PERSON: I’m calling to see if you’d be interested in stocking some cleaning products in your vicinity.

  BOOKSELLER: To sell?

  PERSON: Yes.

  BOOKSELLER: We’re a bookshop.

  PERSON: Yes. Could you see yourselves branching out into this area?

  BOOKSELLER: Not really, no.

  PERSON: How about I send over a sample of products and you can see how you get on?

  BOOKSELLER: No, thank you.

  PERSON: Books and cleaning products work well together.

  BOOKSELLER: Do they?

  PERSON: I’m sure we could make this work.

  BOOKSELLER: No, thank you.

  PERSON: I think you’re missing out on a very interesting opportunity. Can you think of any other bookshops who might be interested?

  CUSTOMER: Do you stock Nigella Lawson under ‘Sex’ or ‘Cookery’?

  BOOKSELLER: It’s a tough call, isn’t it?

  CUSTOMER: If I give you these three paperbacks, will you sell them and give the money to charity?

  BOOKSELLER: We’re not a charity bookshop.

  CUSTOMER: Oh. Where does your money go to?

  BOOKSELLER: . . . It goes into keeping us in business.

  CUSTOMER: Some of these books are dusty . . . can’t you hoover them?

  CUSTOMER: OK, so you want this book?

  THEIR DAUGHTER: Yes!

  CUSTOMER: Peter Pan?

  THEIR DAUGHTER: Yes, please. Because he can fly.

  CUSTOMER: Yes, he can – he’s very good at flying.

  THEIR DAUGHTER: Why can’t I fly, daddy?

  CUSTOMER: Because of evolution, sweetheart.

  CUSTOMER: Do you have a book on how to breathe underwater?

  BOOKSELLER: You mean Julie Orringer’s short story collection: ‘How to Breathe Underwater’?

  CUSTOMER: Is that fact?

  BOOKSELLER: No, it’s fiction – the title’s a metaphor.

  CUSTOMER: . . . Oh. No. I need a book on how to actually breathe underwater.

  BOOKSELLER: . . .

  CUSTOMER: Hi.

  BOOKSELLER: Hi there, how can I help?

  CUSTOMER: Could you please explain Kindle to me.

  BOOKSELLER: Sure. It’s an e-reader, which means you download books and read them on a small hand-held computer.

  CUSTOMER: Oh OK, I see. So . . . this Kindle. Are the books on that paperback or hardback?

  CUSTOMER (poking her head around the door, glancing at our six by six metre bookshop): Do you have a café in here?

  BOOKSELLER: No, I’m afraid we don’t.

  CUSTOMER: Oh, I was looking for a bookshop with a café.

  BOOKSELLER: If you want a cup of tea, there’s a café four doors down.

  CUSTOMER: Could I take some books there with me to look through and browse? And then bring them back?

  CUSTOMER: Do you have any old copies of Dickens?

  BOOKSELLER: We’ve got a copy of David Copperfield from 1850 for £100.

  CUSTOMER: Why is it so expensive if it’s that old?

  (A man is walking around the shop, carrying a plastic bag stuffed with Nike jackets)

  MAN (to a customer): Would you like to buy a Nike jacket?

  CUSTOMER: Erm, no.

  MAN: (to another person): Can I interest you in a Nike jacket? Genuine Nike.

  BOOKSELLER: Excuse me, what are you doing?

  MAN: I was just seeing if anyone would like to buy a jacket.

  BOOKSELLER: Please don’t bother my customers.

  MAN: But it’s a shop . . . they’re here to buy things.

  CUSTOMER: This book has a couple of tears to some of the pages.

  BOOKSELLER: Yes, unfortunately some of the older books have some wear and tear from previous owners.

  CUSTOMER: So, will you lower the price? It says here it’s £20.

  BOOKSELLER: I’m sorry but we take into account the condition of the books when we price them; if that book was in a better condition, it would be worth a lot more than £20.

  CUSTOMER: Well, you can’t have taken this tear here into account (points to page) or this one here (points to another page), because my son did those two minutes ago.

  BOOKSELLER: So, the book is now more damaged than it was before, because of your son?

  CUSTOMER: Yes. Exactly. So now will you lower the price?

  CUSTOMER: Do you do gift wrap?

  BOOKSELLER: No, I’m afraid we don’t, sorry.

  CUSTOMER: I tell you what; I’ll nip to the Post Office and buy some wrapping paper. Then I’ll bring it back and you can wrap the book up for me, ok? You’re a shop, for Christ’s sake, you’re here to offer me a service.

  CUSTOMER: Do you have a book on dinosaurs? My grandson’s really into them.

  BOOKSELLER: Absolutely, we have one over here.

  CUSTOMER: Does it have every type in here?

  BOOKSELLER: I believe it’s a very comprehensive collection, yes.

  CUSTOMER: Great. So, does it have a chapter on dragons?

  CUSTOMER: Do you have any old Elvis CDs?

  BOOKSELLER: No, we don’t sell music, sorry. We might have a book on Elvis, though.

  CUSTOMER: Would any of those come with a life-size cut-out of him?

  BOOKSELLER: . . . I doubt it, no.

  CUSTOMER: Wow, you have a whole bookcase of Enid Blyton?

  BOOKSELLER: Yep, we do. Famous Five, Secret Seven, Five Find Outers, Noddy – all of it there.

  CUSTOMER: I loved the Famous Five when I was younger.

  BOOKSELLER: Yes, they were fun.

  CUSTOMER: I’m so glad you think so. I know that there are a lot of people who say that Anne was stupid and that she shouldn’t have just been doing the ‘girly’ things, and that it was offensive.

  BOOKSELLER: Well . . .

  CUSTOMER: I think all this political correctness has just gone way too far. I mean, who cares that Enid Blyton openly said that a woman should be the one to do the cooking and the cleaning? So she should.

  BOOKSELLER: Well—

  CUSTOMER: – and then there are those who complain about the Noddy picture books, you know?

  BOOKSELLER: Hmmm.

  CUSTOMER: Well, I say that a bit of racism never hurt anyone.

  BOOKSELLER: . . .

  CUSTOMER: Everything in moderation, don’t you agree?

  CUSTOMER: Do you have a book that has a list of aphrodisiacs? I’ve got a date on Friday.

  CUSTOMER: (Drops an old, expensive book on the floor by accident): Great shot!

  BOOKSELLER: (glares)

  CUSTOMER: I mean . . . sorry.

  CUSTOMER: Oh, look, they’ve got a sec
tion on dictionaries. Perhaps we should get your brother one for school, for Spanish, what do you think?

  HER DAUGHTER: Can we get one for when we go to Scotland for our holidays?

  CUSTOMER: They talk English in Scotland, too, sweetie.

  (Phone rings)

  BOOKSELLER: Hello, Ripping Yarns bookshop.

  CUSTOMER: Hello, I’ve got some books I’d like to sell.

  BOOKSELLER: Sure. What kinds of books do you have?

  CUSTOMER: Oh, boxes and boxes of stuff. I’ve got some children’s books, some comics, some old magazines and newspapers, an exercise bike, a couple of art books and some cookery books, too.

  BOOKSELLER: What was the one in the middle?

  CUSTOMER: Erm. Old magazines.

  BOOKSELLER: No, the one after that.

  CUSTOMER: An exercise bike.

  BOOKSELLER: Yes . . . we won’t be wanting the exercise bike.

  CUSTOMER: Do you have a, er . . . a back room?

  BOOKSELLER: You mean a store room?

  CUSTOMER: Ah, a store room. OK. Yes.

  BOOKSELLER: Yes, we have a store room . . .

  CUSTOMER: I’d like to (wink) buy something (wink) from your store room.

  BOOKSELLER: Excuse me?

  CUSTOMER: Oh, right, you’ve got a buzz word, haven’t you? A password?

  BOOKSELLER: I think you’re mistaken. I think you’re thinking of somewhere else.