Weird Things Customers Say in Bookshops Read online

  CUSTOMER: Oh. Really?

  BOOKSELLER: Yes. I think you should leave now.

  CUSTOMER: Oh. (moves away)

  (Customer comes back two minutes later)

  CUSTOMER: Just to clarify, I was asking for drugs and you were saying you’re not that kind of place, right?

  BOOKSELLER: That’s right.

  CUSTOMER: OK, thanks.

  Pause

  CUSTOMER: Could you recommend—

  BOOKSELLER: No.

  CUSTOMER: OK, OK . . . Thanks.

  BOOKSELLER: You’re welcome.

  CUSTOMER: Bye, then.

  BOOKSELLER: Goodbye.

  CUSTOMER: Very nice bookshop.

  BOOKSELLER: Thank you.

  CUSTOMER: What’s your name?

  BOOKSELLER: Jen.

  CUSTOMER: Hmmm. I don’t like that name. Is it ok if I call you something else?

  CUSTOMER: Someone should have taught that Shakespeare guy how to spell. I mean, am I right, or am I right?

  CUSTOMER: Do you have security cameras in here?

  BOOKSELLER: Yes.

  CUSTOMER: Oh. (customer slides a book out from inside his jacket and places it back on the shelf)

  CUSTOMER (holding up a magazine from the sixties): It says on the front cover that this magazine was supposed to come with half a jigsaw puzzle, but you don’t have the jigsaw puzzle. Does that mean I can have the magazine for free?

  CUSTOMER: Do you have Dr Who and the Secrets of the Hidden Planet of Time?

  BOOKSELLER: I’m not familiar with that one. Hang on and I’ll check our system for you.

  CUSTOMER: Thank you.

  BOOKSELLER: I’m afraid I can’t find it on our database, or on the British Library catalogue. Are you sure you’ve got the right title?

  CUSTOMER: No, not at all. I don’t know that it actually exists.

  BOOKSELLER: . . . what do you mean?

  CUSTOMER: Oh, I was just driving to work yesterday and I thought up the title and I thought ‘now that sounds like the kind of book I’d like to read’, you know?

  BOOKSELLER: Hmmm. Well, I’m afraid you can’t read it, as it hasn’t been written.

  CUSTOMER: Never mind, never mind – just thought I’d check.

  BOOKSELLER: We do have lots of other Dr. Who novels over here, though, if you’d like to take a look.

  CUSTOMER: No, it’s ok. I’ll go home and have another think and come back again.

  BOOKSELLER: Hi, can I help you at all?

  CUSTOMER: I don’t give a damn about books – they bore me.

  BOOKSELLER: I’m not sure you’re in the right place, then.

  CUSTOMER: No, I am. I just wanted to ask what specific colour you painted your bookshelves? I love this colour. I mean, the right colour can make books look more appealing, can’t it?

  BOOKSELLER: Can it?

  CUSTOMER: And the smell of the paint takes away the smell of the books, too. Which is also a plus.

  CUSTOMER: Hi, my best friend came in last weekend and bought a book, and she really loved it. Do you have another copy?

  BOOKSELLER: What was the title?

  CUSTOMER: Oh, right. Yeah. I don’t remember.

  CUSTOMER: Do you have a copy of Bella Swan’s favourite book? You know, from Twilight?

  (Bookseller sighs and pulls a copy of Wuthering Heights off the shelf)

  CUSTOMER: Do you have the one with the cover that looks like Twilight?

  BOOKSELLER: No. This is an antiquarian bookshop, so this is an old edition of the book.

  CUSTOMER: But it’s still the one with that girl Cathy and the dangerous guy, right?

  BOOKSELLER: Yes, it’s still the story by Emily Bronte.

  CUSTOMER: Right. Do you think they’ll make it into a film?

  BOOKSELLER: They’ve made several films of it. The one where Ralph Fiennes plays Heathcliff is very good.

  CUSTOMER: What? Voldemort plays Heathcliff?

  BOOKSELLER: Well . . .

  CUSTOMER: But that’s Edward’s role.

  BOOKSELLER: Wuthering Heights was written well before both Harry Potter and Twilight.

  CUSTOMER: Yeah, but Voldemort killed Cedric, who’s played by Robert Pattinson, and now Voldemort’s playing Edward’s role in Wuthering Heights, because Edward’s character is Heathcliff. I think that Emily Bronte’s trying to say something about vampires.

  BOOKSELLER: . . . that’s £8.

  CUSTOMER: For what?

  BOOKSELLER: For the book.

  CUSTOMER: Oh, no, it’s OK, I’m going to go and try and find the Voldemort DVD version.

  CUSTOMER: I’ve got a while before my bus. Are you and any of the other customers interested in playing cards?

  CUSTOMER: Do you have any piano sheet music, but for guitars?

  BOOKSELLER: You mean, do I have sheet music for guitars?

  CUSTOMER: Yes.

  CUSTOMER: Have you read every single book in here?

  BOOKSELLER: No, I can’t say I have.

  CUSTOMER: Well you’re not very good at your job, are you?

  CUSTOMER: I’m looking for that famous book – you know, the Disney one, where Donald Duck is an accountant.

  CUSTOMER: Do you have an easy version of Moonlight Sonata for piano?

  BOOKSELLER: We have box of sheet music by the music books section. I’ll have a look.

  CUSTOMER: Thanks.

  BOOKSELLER: Yep. Here’s a Moonlight Sonata for grade two.

  CUSTOMER: And that’s easy?

  BOOKSELLER: Compared to the real thing, yes.

  CUSTOMER: So, I should be able to play it, yeah?

  BOOKSELLER: I don’t know. How long have you been playing?

  CUSTOMER: Oh, I don’t know how to play, I thought I’d just try.

  BOOKSELLER: Right. Can you read sheet music?

  CUSTOMER: Well . . . sure . . . it’s just the alphabet, isn’t it?

  CUSTOMER: Do you have a book on the Enlightenment?

  BOOKSELLER: Sure.

  CUSTOMER: Excellent. My son’s just about to start studying it at school. It’s all about the light bulb being invented, right?

  CUSTOMER: Oh, sorry. I thought you were the Post Office.... You’re not, are you?

  MAN: (bursting through the bookshop door) Oi! Could you keep it down? We’re trying to film something outside.

  BOOKSELLER: . . . I’m not making any noise.

  MAN: Well, it looked like you were about to.

  BOOKSELLER: . . . It’s just me and the books here; we’re not going to have a raucous party.

  MAN: Yeah, well, just make sure you don’t.

  CUSTOMER: I’ve got some books I’d like to sell (plonks them on the desk). I’d like twenty five quid for the lot.

  BOOKSELLER: Didn’t you buy these from us last week?

  CUSTOMER: Yes.

  BOOKSELLER: I see they’ve still got our prices in.

  CUSTOMER: Uh-huh.

  BOOKSELLER: . . . You didn’t even pay twenty five pounds for these in the first place.

  CUSTOMER: Yes, but they’re older now than they were last week, see. So they must be worth more.

  BOOKSELLER: Hi, can I help?

  CUSTOMER: Yes. I’ve got a copy of The Secrets of Houdini that I’d like to sell. It’s very rare. And it’s signed by Houdini himself.

  BOOKSELLER: Actually signed by Houdini?

  CUSTOMER: Yes. (hands book over)

  BOOKSELLER: Ah (upon noticing signature to frontispiece), I’m pretty sure that this signature is actually part of the printing.

  CUSTOMER: Why?

  BOOKSELLER: Because the date next to the signature is 1924.

  CUSTOMER: So?

  BOOKSELLER: Well, this book was printed in 1932.

  CUSTOMER: Perhaps the date on the signature actually reads 1934.

  BOOKSELLER: In that case, the signature is fake.

  CUSTOMER: Why?

  BOOKSELLER: Because Houdini died in 1926.

  CUSTOMER: But if you feel the signature, you can tell that i
t’s ridged. It doesn’t feel like the rest of the page.

  BOOKSELLER: Yes, I see what you mean, it’s almost like someone’s gone over it with a pencil, isn’t it?

  CUSTOMER (frowning): That is a genuine Houdini signature.

  BOOKSELLER: I assure you; it’s part of the printing.

  CUSTOMER: He signed the book himself.

  BOOKSELLER: And dated it 1924? In a book published in 1932? Six years after he died?

  CUSTOMER: . . . Perhaps it was his last unsolvable act of magic.

  BOOKSELLER: Unfortunately I don’t think that Houdini’s last cryptic trick was to come back from the dead, sign your book, and make you a whole lot of money.

  In June

  CUSTOMER: When’s the London Book Fair?

  BOOKSELLER: It was on in April.

  CUSTOMER: So . . . it’s not on right now, then?

  CUSTOMER: You must get so much time to read, just sitting here surrounded by books.

  BOOKSELLER: What is it you do?

  CUSTOMER: Me? I work in a clothes shop.

  BOOKSELLER: Well, you must get so much time to try clothes on, just standing there, surrounded by clothes.

  CUSTOMER: I’m looking for a book about this big (indicates size). I’ve got a space on my bookshelf and I need to fill it. It’s really bugging me.

  BOOKSELLER: What kind of book would you like?

  CUSTOMER: I don’t care, just as long as it’s this exact size.

  CUSTOMER: Do you have any second hand crosswords?

  BOOKSELLER: You mean crosswords that have already been filled in?

  CUSTOMER: Yes. I love crosswords, but they’re ever so difficult.

  CUSTOMER: Which way is it to Highgate cemetery? (Bookseller hands over a map)

  CUSTOMER: Thanks. And that vampire that used to live there... he’s dead now, right?

  (On putting the key in the door of the bookshop to open up in the morning, a customer comes up)

  BOOKSELLER: Excuse me, sorry, I’m afraid I’m not open yet. If you could wait two seconds and I’ll get the boxes out of the way and put the lights on.

  CUSTOMER: Oh, don’t worry, I’ll only be a second. (Barges past into bookshop)

  CUSTOMER: I’ve got some books to sell.

  BOOKSELLER: Hi, thanks. I’m just serving some customers at the moment. Could you join the back of the queue?

  CUSTOMER: Er, I’m selling you books, I’m here for your benefit.

  BOOKSELLER: These other people are here to buy books, they are also here for the shop’s benefit.

  CUSTOMER: You’ve got thirty seconds to buy them, or I’m leaving. You need to learn to prioritise.

  CUSTOMER (to her friend, upon opening a copy of The Lord of the Rings): Oh, look, this one’s got a map in the front.

  CUSTOMER’S FRIEND: Oh yeah. Where’s it of?

  CUSTOMER: Mor... Mor-dor.

  CUSTOMER’S FRIEND: Oh. Where’s that then?

  CUSTOMER: Hi, I just wanted to check: are you a bookshop, or are you a library?

  BOOKSELLER: . . . We’re a bookshop.

  CUSTOMER: You should probably have a sign saying that somewhere; it’s confusing.

  BOOKSELLER: We have a big sign outside that says ‘Ripping Yarns Bookshop.’

  CUSTOMER: Yes, well, that’s ambivalent, isn’t it?

  BOOKSELLER: It is?

  CUSTOMER: Who wrote the Bible? I can’t remember.

  CUSTOMER’s FRIEND: Jesus.

  CUSTOMER: It’s amazing, isn’t it, how little we really know about writers’ lives? Especially the old ones.

  BOOKSELLER: I guess the lives of writers have changed a lot.

  CUSTOMER: Yes. And don’t forget about those women who used to write under male names.

  BOOKSELLER: Yes, like George Eliot.

  CUSTOMER: I always thought Charles Dickens was probably a woman.

  BOOKSELLER: . . . I’m pretty sure Charles Dickens was a man.

  CUSTOMER: But who’s to say?

  BOOKSELLER: Well, he was pretty prominent in society; lots of people saw him.

  CUSTOMER: But maybe that was all a show – maybe that was her brother, whilst Charlene was at home, writing.

  BOOKSELLER: . . .

  CUSTOMER: I’ve forgotten my glasses, could you read the beginning of this book to me to see if I like it?

  (Bookseller puts book that the customer has bought into a paper bag)

  CUSTOMER: Don’t you have a plastic bag? I’m sick of all this recycling nonsense. It’s not doing any of us any good.

  CUSTOMER: Where do you keep your maps?

  BOOKSELLER: Over here, what kind of map are you looking for? A county, the UK, Europe, a world map?

  CUSTOMER: I want a map of the sun.

  CUSTOMER: Is your poetry section split up into rhyming and non-rhyming sections?

  BOOKSELLER: No, it’s just in alphabetical order. What kind of poetry are you looking for?

  CUSTOMER: Rhyming. Preferably iambic pentameter, in poems of no more than ten lines, by a female poet. But, other than that, I don’t mind.

  CUSTOMER: I’m going to America next year and I’d like to read about it before I go.

  BOOKSELLER: Sure, our travel section’s probably your best bet.

  CUSTOMER: No, I don’t think so . . . Do you have any stories about cowboys and Indians?

  BOOKSELLER: . . .

  CUSTOMER: You don’t have a very good selection of books.

  BOOKSELLER: We’ve got over ten thousand books.

  CUSTOMER: Well, you don’t have the book I’ve written!

  (Storms out)

  (Phone rings)

  BOOKSELLER: Hello, Ripping Yarns bookshop.

  CUSTOMER: Hi there. If I buy a book and pay for it over the phone, could you bring it over the road to my house? I just live round the corner.

  BOOKSELLER: Are you unable to leave your house?

  CUSTOMER: Well, no . . . but it’s raining.

  CUSTOMER: Do you have that Enid Blyton series? Not the Secret Seven – the other one.

  BOOKSELLER: The Five Find Outers? The Famous Five?

  CUSTOMER: Yes, The Famous Five, that’s the one. The one with the transexual.

  CUSTOMER: You should consider arranging your books by size and colour.

  BOOKSELLER: But then no one would be able to find anything.

  CUSTOMER: Well, that doesn’t matter. It’d look pretty.

  CUSTOMER: Do you have the time?

  BOOKSELLER: Yes. It’s just after four o’clock.

  CUSTOMER: No, it isn’t.

  CUSTOMER: Hi, I’ve got a book on reserve and I’ve come to pick it up.

  BOOKSELLER: Sure, what’s your name, and what was the title of the book?

  CUSTOMER: My name’s Stuart and it was volume one of The Waverley Children’s Dictionary.

  BOOKSELLER: I’m sorry, I can’t see that on our reserve shelf. When did you come in and reserve it?

  CUSTOMER: Oh, it was a fair while ago now.

  BOOKSELLER: A couple of weeks?

  CUSTOMER: No . . . more like a year and a half.

  BOOKSELLER: I’m afraid we only reserve books for a month and then they have to go back out in the shop. We don’t have the space to keep them to one side for longer.

  CUSTOMER: But I was really looking forward to reading that!

  CUSTOMER: Hi, do you sell Christmas trees?

  BOOKSELLER: No . . .

  CUSTOMER: Oh. I thought it was worth asking because you’ve got lots of Christmas books in the window.

  CUSTOMER: Who do I speak to about me selling you some books?

  BOOKSELLER: That would be me.

  CUSTOMER: Where’s your boss? Is he not here?

  BOOKSELLER: The owner of the shop isn’t here, she’s at home.

  CUSTOMER: And who’s her boss? What’s his name?

  BOOKSELLER: She is the boss.

  CUSTOMER: Oh. Well you’re all modern, aren’t you?

  CUSTOMER: Do you have any of those books where you can change the na
mes of the main character to the name of the person you’re giving the book to? Do you have Alice in Wonderland, but not Alice, I’d like Sarah in Wonderland.

  BOOKSELLER: I’m afraid you have to buy those from the publisher, as they’re a print on demand service.

  CUSTOMER: Yeah, I don’t really have time to do that. Do you have a copy of Alice? Then I can buy some Tipp-ex or something, and edit it.

  CUSTOMER (holding up a copy of Ulysses): Why is this book so long? Isn’t it supposed to be set in one day only? How can this many pages of things happen to one person in one day? I mean, I get up, have breakfast, go to work, come home... sometimes I might go out for a drink, and that’s it! And, I mean, that doesn’t fill a book, does it?

  CUSTOMER: Do you have any jobs going?

  BOOKSELLER: Have you worked in a bookshop before?

  CUSTOMER: No.

  BOOKSELLER: I take it you enjoy reading?

  CUSTOMER: No, I don’t read at all.

  BOOKSELLER: So... why do you want to work in a bookshop?

  CUSTOMER: Well, I don’t really. It’s just that I’ve moved into a flat up the street, and I’d like a job within walking distance.

  CUSTOMER: Where do you keep Hamlet? You know ‘to be or not to be’? Is it in philosophy?